Memories of May
by SafireBlade
Summary: The Buffy and the Scoobies are pulled back through time after Dawn jumps to save the world
1. The Reset

Disclaimer: BTVS and all likeness shown in this story is the property of Joss Whedon. I don't own anything.

Memories of May

By Safire

Prologue: The Reset

Ben laid on the ground broken and bloodied but not dead. Buffy stared down at him, her hammer suddenly too heavy with the coat of blood stuck to it.

"B...bbb…b...buffy please…. Gl...glory won't..." He trailed off, hacking on the words. She knew what he was going to say: Glory won't stop. Even with her plans foiled she won't stop. She would kill them all in revenge. Buffy knew she should kill Ben to stop her.

But Ben was human. Ben was nice. Ben was going to be a doctor. It would only take one swing and a sickening thunk and then Ben would be dead. Determined, her hands tightened around the troll hammer. Why couldn't he just be Glory? Glory was evil. Glory was trying to end the world. Glory was Ben. Her job was to stop people like Glory by any means possible. Killing Ben was a necessary evil that she had to perform. Any other Slayer in her position would do it without a second thought.

Then Ben smiled up at her with a sad little curl of his mouth. Her stomach seemed to sink; it was the same smile he'd used when she first met him; back when Ben had just been a nice guy wanting to help her deal with her mom's illness.

Truly, letting Ben live was a failure of massive proportion. Yet Buffy couldn't take his life. She imagined killing him. She felt the whoosh of the hammer as she drove it into Ben's head, leaving behind red drops of blood on her clothes and a crushed skull below her feet. And it made Buffy's stomach lurch.

Suddenly the hammer slid unceremoniously out of her hand, dropping beside Ben on the ground. She couldn't do it. All the killing and the death it was too much.

Somewhere behind her energy crackled to life and the wind gave an aching groan. Buffy turned to the looming tower; it moaned and swayed like an old man trying to get up off the ground. Buffy knew that if she didn't move then Dawn would die. She would not let her sister die – and she would not let the world end.

Death was her gift and she suddenly knew what the first slayer meant. She loved Dawn. She loved Dawn enough to die in her place. Buffy climbed the tower as fast as she could. Every shift of the structure threatened to throw her off but she kept climbing. By the time she got to the top two silhouettes stood against the portal's bright swirl of electricity.

The platform wobbled with every step Buffy took as she moved closer to the figures at the end. The silhouette holding the knife it was some creepy little demon man, who she didn't know, but there was no time to dwell on it; the man had a knife to Dawn and that wasn't acceptable. Buffy jerked him away from Dawn before tossing him off the platform with as much effort as it would take someone to toss a coke can out the window of a car.

"It's okay, Dawn. I'm here now," Buffy reassured her sister, pulling off the bindings around her hands.

Dawn stared at Buffy trying to memorize her face. There was only one way to close the roaring portal at the end of the platform, the key had to be destroyed. Dawn was the key. She couldn't hide from it. If she was honest she wasn't even real. Everything she liked and didn't like was a falsehood. She didn't have friends because they were made for her not by her. Her entire identity as Dawn Summers, the little Sister of the Slayer, was manufactured by some dead monks. Despite knowing all that Buffy still saw Dawn as her sister and Dawn knew her sister would do anything to protect her. Dawn swallowed a lump in her throat. Buffy would do anything including jump into the portal to save Dawn's life.

Maybe Dawn could let her. Maybe it could save the world but what if it didn't? What if Buffy jumped and died and the world still ended all because Dawn selfishly wanted to live like Ben had. Was it selfish to want to live? No, living things want to keep living. And yes, Dawn wanted to live. And Buffy jumping could save the world. But what if it didn't kept screaming in Dawn's head. And even if it did could SHE live knowing her sister died because of her? The answer was simple, no. Death was Dawn's destiny. Buffy would be sad for a while true, but she would move on. After all Buffy had real friends, had real things she liked and didn't like, and most importantly the world still needed her. What could Dawn Summers possibly do for the world except die to save it?

Tears fell down Dawn's cheeks. Would she just cease to be or would she get to go to heaven? Would she get to remember the bump on her sister's nose or the curve of her mother's smile? Dawn exhale one last shaky breath. She had to die and she was okay with that. Resigned to her fate Dawn gave Buffy one last hug, "No it's not okay. Not yet anyway. I love you." Slowly Dawn backed toward the edge of the platform.

Buffy grabbed Dawn's arms, "What are you doing?" She attempted to wipe the tears from Dawn's cloudy blue eyes like Joyce had done for her many times throughout her life. Dawn didn't understand; yet she didn't have to die. It was Buffy's job. 'She was the Slayer. She was destined to die young. In fact there was a whole prophecy about it in some musty book Giles showed her. It said I didn't die then and this moment was why.'

The portal continued to swirl and screamed just a few feet away while tearing reality apart waiting impatiently for the Summer's blood to close and seal it. She had to close the portal so Dawn could live. There wasn't much time left.

Dawn sobbed, and looked up at Buffy, "It's not all bad Buff. There's seeing mom again. I really miss her, you know." The Tower shook violently knocking Buffy off her feet. Quickly Buffy scrambled upright only to see Dawn rushing forward. Buffy chased after her. The Platform shook and rocked forward as Dawn leapt into the portal. Buffy leapt after her trying to pull Dawn back onto the platform, but it was too late. Dawn transformed into light and then began to fade. Buffy washed in horror as Dawn's essence faded in front of her before finally exploding into a bright green light that enveloped the whole town. Buffy shot back onto the platform as she moaned a soulful cry of NOOOOO.

It was over and the soulful cry turned into a quiet sigh of exhaustion. Existence seemed to stop. The wind stopped blowing, the tower stopped moving and groaning in submission. Not a creature around seemed to be able to breathe. The world around Buffy was utterly still except for those below the tower. Willow and Xander ran towards Giles standing beside Ben's body on the ground while Tara and Anya followed after their partners. Something needed to be done but everyone was at a loss of what to do next. 'Was this the end of the world?' had been the only thought going through their shaken minds. Certainly the green flash of light and sudden feel of nothingness felt like an end to something but that something still felt vague, unfinished really. Though the world did seem frozen in time this was hardly the worse possible scenario for the ending of the planet. But the look of fear and bewilderment in their eyes gave rise to a silent understanding that only the seven of them were trapped inside this frozen pre-dawn world and it was terrifying to say the least.

So much so that no one even noticed that Buffy was still standing on top of the tower staring at the spot where only moment before Dawn had been. No one... except for Spike. He didn't care about the end of the world. He never did really. Instead Spike was clambering back up the tower; rushing with a silent determination to reach Buffy. It was as if she were about to jump after Dawn. 'Maybe she would,' Spike thought. Dawn was dead, Joyce was dead, and the world was over, Buffy had nothing left. 'She may jump,' and Spike couldn't let that happen. He had failed the woman he loved enough for tonight. Now he needed to protect her and Spike was pushing everything to the side for a little bit. 'Oh God Little Bit is gone,' Spike swallowed back the thought climbing closer to Buffy.

Yet he couldn't get the thought out of his head, Dawn was dead. In fact Spike had led Dawn to her death weeks ago and he didn't even know it. It was almost funny; the big bad vampire killed a girl he was trying to help her. It was just like every plan he had since coming to Sunnydale. 'I'm going to save my sire and reclaim her love. Sorry Charlie you're not demon enough for her! Okay fine, I'm going to get the Gem of Amara and kill the Slayer! Not gonna happen, no, no, no, you're going to get a chip in your head, that will defang you. Bugger it I'll get the chip out and kill the Slayer! Nope, no way you're going to fall in love with her instead. Trying to help a little girl bring her mother back to life should'a just killed her myself.' He would laugh, but that thick lump in his throat threaten to turn any laughter into a heart aching sob.

Spike stood behind Buffy needing to say something but words seemed to be meaningless. She was standing there looking at the spot where the portal had been. Was she frozen too? But her heart was still beating and breath still echoed from her body so she couldn't be frozen. 'Maybe she was can atonic again.' He sputtered, "God Buffy, I'm sorry." He gently touched the back of her shoulder.

The brush of Spike's cool hand on Buffy's back brought her back into reality. She whirled around to face him with a sense of failure resting tight on her chest. Her mother was dead, her sister was dead, and the world was over; there was nothing left for her. She crumbled into Spike's arms not because she wanted him in any meaningful way but because he was there. 'Mom liked him; Dawn liked him, so maybe he wasn't so bad. And he's here.' He was the only solid thing around her at the moment and she needed that. She cried into his shoulder staining his soft black shirt with salt.

Now it was Spike's turn to be frozen. Buffy was hugging him and he didn't know what to do. He had massively failed her and she was holding on to him for dear life. He was absolutely flummoxed by the situation. He had expected to be thrown back off the tower or dusted for daring to speak to her but instead she threw herself into his arms. Nearly knocking him off his feet; with nothing else to do, he gave into her warm embrace and wrapped his strong arms around her. Unable or unwilling to stop himself, he nuzzled the top of her head inhaling her scent that reminded him little too much of Dawn. He couldn't stop them anymore. Buffy was in his arms and he hated the reason why. Finally gets to hold the girl of his dreams and it was because the one girl in the entire world that saw any good in him was dead. Gradually tears started to fall from his eyes.

Buffy pulled looked up at the sudden moisture on the top of her head. Spike was crying. In that moment his blue eyes looked just like Dawns and it was a kick in the stomach. She couldn't hate him anymore because he had Dawn's eyes. And how had Buffy never noticed that before; but there they were, sparkling blue filled with tears, staring down at her looking as lost as Dawn's had at the end. And just like Dawn she brushed them away.

Only Spike grabbed her hand holding it pressing a kiss into it. "Buffy..." he lamented. He was about to say something else but as suddenly as the world froze it started to speed backwards. As if someone had hit rewind on everyone's life. Buffy and Spike looked at each other one last time before they were ripped apart and spun through their lives now in reverse. If at any moment of time they were in the same room they tried to speak to one another but the effort was nauseating. They sped and sped; further and further apart until Buffy stood in hallway of her house and Spike was standing alone in his crypt with the telly on. Both felt utterly alone.

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	2. Be Kind and Rewind

Be Kind and Rewind

Chapter One

Nausea set in as Buffy raced toward the bathroom, barely registering anyone else in the house. Her entire life sped backwards through her head, leaving her dizzy and ill.

 _Dawn's gone._ The words repeated in her head as the door click shut and she collapsed in front of the toilet. Yellowish bile burnt the back of her throat as she heaved. _I failed._ Buffy stared at the liquid before another wave of sickness hit. Her whole body raddled as the remains of her stomach poured out, leaving her to slump against the bath and waiting for the next wave. Tired and sore she closed her eyes, not sure what to do next.

 _Mom's dead. Dawn's dead. But how did I end up back here?_ She sighed. Her only goal was sitting on the floor and staring at the clean tiles. After all, what was left for her? _No Dawn, no Mom, no Dad._ A chill crept over her. _What if the world ended? Did Dawn die for nothing?_

 _Maybe this is Hell? Yeah, there's so much pain it has to be Hell._ She closed her eyes seeing only the tower and Dawn jumping off. Tears warm and wet were falling down Buffy's cheeks. The light was too bright in the bathroom and the floor was too cold but she couldn't bring herself to move. _Death was my gift. It was supposed to be me. Not Dawn. Never Dawn._ Buffy hadn't died. _Or did I? I was going to jump after her._ But she was home; that was a solid fact. _Home without Dawn or Mom, so it's not really home._ She leaned her head against the tub, thinking. _There was a green flash and then I was here. Maybe I was too late. I failed, the world ended and this is Hell._ Tears were falling faster. _Oh god, what do I do now?_

She pulled herself up before a gentle nock sounded on the bathroom door. "Buffy, are you alright, dear?" It was her mother's voice. Buffy was speechless. All she could do was stare at the cheerful white door. _No, that can't be right. This isn't right._

Once again Joyce called through the door. "Honey, answer me. Are you okay?"

 _No, this isn't happening._ Buffy heaved out a breath, and on shaky legs she walked back over to the door. Joyce's voice was unmistakable. _It has to be her, but how? I'm dead. I must have jumped._ After wiping her eyes she reached for the brass nob and opened the door. _This can't be Hell if Mom's here. Maybe I'm in Heaven._

Joyce was standing on the other side, looking completely healthy. Buffy couldn't stop herself. She threw herself into her mother's arms and cried like she was three again. "Mommy, I'm so sorry I didn't save you. I love you so much." As her tears fell and her mother wrapped her arms around her, Buffy slowly but surely realized that it all felt too real – and too painful – to be Heaven. But that didn't explain why her mother was with her, and how she'd made it back to her house when her last memory had been Dawn jumping and disappearing into the portal.

Her mother was hushing her, guiding her downstairs. As she did so Buffy caught sight of the picture hanging up in the hall; it was of her mother and her lying on the bed in her room, smiling. But Dawn was missing.

She looked around at all the other pictures as her mother guided her into the living room. Dawn was in none of them, and the pictures that had only been of Dawn on her own had disappeared.

A heaviness rested on Buffy's chest making her tremble as she asked, "Wh-wh-where's Dawn's pictures?" Her tears still slid down her face.

Buffy scanned the room, searching for something to prove that Dawn had been there, but there was nothing. Sure, everything looked the same, but there was no sign that Dawn had even existed. _No, no, no, they have to be somewhere._

Joyce led Buffy over to the couch and sat her down. She wasn't sure why her daughter was crying, but she was determined to be there for her. Softly she asked, "Who's Dawn?"

Buffy shot to her feet again. She didn't want to sit down; she wanted to ransack the house until she found evidence of Dawn. Carefully Buffy asked, "You don't know who Dawn is?" But she already knew from the blank stare on Joyce's face that her mother honestly didn't know who Dawn was.

 _I was wrong. This isn't my mother_. Her mother would know who Dawn was. Hysterical laughter bubbled in Buffy's chest, coming out like a manic mixture of sobs and giggles. _Yeah, this is Hell. I was right the first time._

Joyce was completely lost. "Honey, stay right there. I'm going to call Mr. Giles."

Joyce raced into the kitchen, but instead of staying put, Buffy hurried around the house to look for any sign of Dawn. Soon her feet were carrying her back upstairs to Dawn's room. But when she got there, she found nothing; no pictures, no clothes, no diaries, nothing that showed any sign of the girl's life. Her bedroom was nothing more than an unused spare room filled with clutter.

 _Dawn's gone._ Buffy walked deeper into the room and started to rummage through boxes, looking for any sign that Dawn had been there. She did this until Joyce found her and took her back downstairs to the couch. "Honey, I called Mr. Giles. Is something wrong? He seemed very…confused about something. I don't think he realized it was me he was talking to. But he kept repeating my name… Maybe you should go and check on him?"

Buffy studied her mother once more. _It has to be her._ Buffy could feel it but it wasn't possible. Joyce was dead. Yet there Joyce was, her green eyes staring at Buffy with fear and confusion. How many times since she died had Buffy wanted her mother to be sitting by her on the couch, comforting her?

She shook her head and looked away. _No, this can't be her. Mom's dead. Dawn's dead._

Buffy couldn't stay in the house. Not with the ghost of her mother watching her. _God, I'm going crazy._ She needed to fine Dawn. There has to be something of hers still around. There was only one answer.

Buffy turned to her mother and said, "Mom, if the others come looking for me, tell them I've gone to find Dawn."

Joyce merely nodded in agreement, still not knowing who Dawn was. "Alright, honey. Be safe."

Buffy scooped her mother up in one last hug, assuming she would vanish the moment she stepped outside of the house. What she was seeing may not have been her real mother, but it was the closest thing she had. "I will. Love you, Mom." She held on to Joyce a little too long. Part of her didn't want to go – in fact the part of her that was refusing to let go wanted to bar the windows and lock the door and never come out of the house again. But the need to find some trace of Dawn was in control. She needed to find her sister.

Joyce said back, "I love you too baby."

Buffy wiped her eyes once again and gave her mom a watery smile before stepping out of the house.

Buffy feet slammed against the pavement racing toward the site of the tower. The Closer she got the faster she moved and the more she convienced herself that everything was going to be okay. It was like every swish and thump of her feet against the concrete screamed, _Dawn's not dead,_ thump, swish, _Dawn's not dead,_ thump, swish, swish, thump _DAWN'S NOT DEAD!_ Until Buffy saw the site completely empty, save for the long grass and bottles. _no, no, no, no, no, no, no!_ She had been certain the tower was here. She had remembered every step toward the battle because it supposed to be her last.

It had been dark and everyone was quiet save for Tara's ramblings echoing the groups unease. The tower had loomed in front of them; menacing in the shadows but now it was gone. _no, no, no, no, no, no, It was here!_ Buffy stepped forward into the now empty lot brushing through the wild grass. There were no tool sheds or wrecking balls, no crazy minions or smelly goblins just trash and grass.

In Buffy's head she rebuilt last nights battle. _It was here._ The tower and the portal had been in the center of the lot while the tool shed the Gang was hiding behind had been in the corner. Spike had gotten tossed off the tower over the trees at the back of the lot while she had been finishing off Glory at the foot of the tower. _It has to be here somewhere._ She ambled over to where the tower was suppose to be looking for any sign that it had been there. _Where did it go?_

Then as if from nowhere Buffy tripped over the now dead Ben Wilkins. She scrambled to her feet meeting the decaying brown pools of Ben's eyes. _It had been real. Ben's here so Dawn must be too._ Only Ben was dead, staring up at her as if his death had been her fault. _Like Dawn's. No. Dawn's not dead._ But Ben was. _How?_ She had left him very much alive but there he layed lips with cracked and skin ashy.

As if answering the question Giles appeared behind her. "Buffy," he whispered. _Giles had wanted to kill Dawn._

Buffy whirled around to meet the sympathic grey eyes of her mentor. "You killed Ben." Buffy stated plainly a double meaning in her words. _Like Dawn._ Giles hadn't killed Dawn. _But he wanted too._

She was going to be sick again. Giles cleaned his glasses, "It was necessary," he explained putting his glasses back on.

Buffy replied too calmly, "Like Dawn." _Like Dawn jumping... god not to her death. She has to be here._

Carefully and a little uncertain he answered, "Yes."

Dawn had jumped. _She needs to be here._ Buffy turned away from him unable to look at him. She needed to find Dawn. When she found Dawn alive she would deal with Giles. _He wanted Dawn to jump. It was necessary._ She walked wordlessly away to where Dawn would have landed. _If she had landed. Dawn was the bright green flash._ Buffy remembered now. Dawn had disolved into nothing but energy and light. _Would that have happened to me if I had jumped._

"Buffy, we need to get back to my flat and figure out what's going on." Giles pressed a hand to her shoulder. "Something's terribly wrong here."

She flipped him over her shoulder putting him in the spot Dawn would have been, if she had landed. _Dawn was gone._ "Dawn jumped."

Giles scrambled back to his feet noticing the tears spilling down Buffy's cheaks like waterfalls. He was at a loss to what to do next. Slayers on a whole didn't have families for this reason. It destrated them from there duties but Buffy was different. Her's gave her a reason to fight and Giles couldn't take that away from her. He hugged her tightly, "I know my dear but it was for the greater good; to save the world; to save, you and me; Willow and Tara; Xander and Anya; and, even Spike."

 _No, no, no, no, no, I failed._ Buffy pushed him away forcing him to the ground with a thump. The world wasn't saved. They were in hell. _Mom doesn't know who dawn is. No that can't be mom._ She shook her head denying his claim. She spat coldly, "Dawn didn't save anything. We're in some weird hell dimension. Mom doesn't know who Dawn is. And, and that can't be mom. Mom's dead. So, so, that thing a ghost thing or some shape shifting demond and..." It was the most Buffy had spoken sense Dawn jumped making every word crack in her throat as she disolved into tears.

Giles brushed himself off getting back to his feet. "Buffy please. I think when the key was destroyed it broke whatever spell the monks used to convert it to human form therefore sending us back in time."

Absolute sorrow was replaced with outrage. "That's all you saw her as, after I told you,, right? The key, an it. Something that could be destroyed without feelings of remorse attatched to it. Like Ben." She glanced backover to the body resting in the grass. "You killed Ben and you would have killed Dawn if she didn't..." _jump._ But she couldn't say it again.

Careful not to upset Buffy further Giles explained, "You're right. I killed him because you couldn't." There was a hint of accusainion in his voice. _Any other Slayer would have,_ was what she heard despite Giles gentle declaretion, "And shouldn't of had too." He cleaned his glasses, "Ben was Glory. And Glory would have resurfaced and killed us all. It was the only way to protect us. Ask for Dawn. If she hadn't of jumped. I don't know what I would have done." It was a lie. They both knew what he would have done.

Yet he contentued on, "We need to go now."

Buffy spat bitterly, "I need to find my sister. And if she's not here then she's at the Pinhouse."

She stormed away.


End file.
